Another letter...

Love is cruel. I want to post this blog posted by Adam on my space. I hope he marked it private. Geesh. I am glad that I've kept this blog private to people that have never met me (sans Dani). :)

I do love Adam, but not in that way anymore. Our relationship was a distant memory. I've moved on. Sigh. I've never had anyone love me as much as he does now. The odd thing is that I don't share the same feelings.

From Adam:

So. I'm not writing because I want you back... actually I'm not writing because I think there is a snowball's chance in hell that I will get you back. I know I wont.

I know that this is a learning experience for me and after all, how can you appreciate love if you've never had it and lost it. That right there in a nutshell is what happened to me. See I was (sometimes still am) a guy who can separate himself from his emotions. I can protect my heart. I can love somebody without commitment and then act like YOUR crazy for expecting it. I have it all backwards.

The fear of giving up control, the fear of never being able to have sex with a stranger again, the fear of small children, mean mothers and the thought that I would give up my independence. It all lead to me sabotaging everything. Now mind you, this isn't the first thing I have sabotaged out of fear. I used to do it all the time.I

n my heart, somewhere in the back of it I think you still love me. I think you know in the back of your heart that we were destined for each other.... If somebody said that sentence to me about their own heartbreak, I'd say "get over it, your psycho" hahaha Maybe now I understand that kind of psycho-ness... never did before. My breaking your trust has made it impossible for you to even consider us. I get that. I'd go to counseling every day forever to have the chance... but it won't happen.

So now, for the first time in my life I'm left with what the poets and songwriters have called a broken heart since the beginning of time. I always thought they were saps. The joke is on me.

When I see this picture I see what could have been... it's weird like a Scrooge moment where some ghost of Christmas Past is showing me how my life could have been. I'm sitting next to my wife. She loves me and I love her and we are literally sitting on top of the world. But yet that's not what happened. I wanna cry when I see this picture.

I feel bad for the women I hurt. I feel awful if they are feeling even a fraction of this pain & regret. Cat, Tessa.... especially you.I'm gonna live and I'm gonna mend... Hopefully, one more time in my life I'll see my wife's face in bed next to me. I won't blow it with her. I'll cherish it. I'll respect and love her, and appreciate her love. That is what you taught me Hope. Your love was the greatest gift I have ever received, and while it may have ended in pain and misery, I'll always be grateful for it.